Children and youth often know more,
worry more and ask less than we realize. Take a moment and
think back to your childhood. For many of us, there were times
when something happened that might have caused us worry, but if the
adults in our world didn’t bring it up, we may have worried in
silence. Often parents say, “I think she’s doing fine – she
doesn’t talk about it . . . ” or “. . . she isn’t asking any
questions.” Children listen when we’re on the phone to others
when we may not realize it. They have questions they may not
ask unless we provide the opportunity.
This guide provides some ideas for
bringing up difficult topics and helping you reassure your child.
This is just that -- a guide
with ideas. There is no
one “right way” to talk with your child. Families who live
close to where the terrorist attacks of 911 occurred may have a
different level of anxiety about war than those who live in a rural
part of, say, Montana or Kansas.
When you do not know how else to bring something up like tragic
situations, state the obvious.
No judgment, no blame, just state the obvious. Some suggestions for
this might be:
-
“There
has been more on the news lately about war with. Sometimes
when that kind of news is on television, kids feel confused
or concerned about what it means. What kind of thoughts have
you had?”
-
“We
received a letter from your teacher and it says that they’re
helping you understand new procedures at school in case we
have a terrorist attack. What are your classmates saying
about this?”
-
“A while back, we had
some national alerts and we changed to Code Orange.
This kind of thing is new for our country, so we don’t
always know what that means. What do you think that
means?” or “What are kids saying about that?”
Speak in hopeful terms.
There are several options, here:
-
People high up in government
are working on these complex issues, and we’re hoping they
will make good decisions that help keep us safe.
-
Although we don’t always
know how we will cope with something, the most difficult
part is often during periods of anticipation. Once we
know what is actually going to unfold, we can start to put
measures in place.
-
Emphasize that you’ll get
through this together. Children of all ages need to
hear that they aren’t having to figure this out alone, that
you’re really there for them and are wanting to support them
and hear their concerns.
Make it easy for kids to reveal
their concerns to you.
Often, if
we ask a child, “Are you worried?” the answer is likely
to be “no.” But if you ask, “When you are concerned
about this, what part worries you?” This is a
statement of assumption. You are letting your child
hear that you assume they have concerns, and you’d like insights
from them on what that is like for them. Another helpful
approach is to distance the child from feeling like they’re
having to reveal concerns they have personally to concerns they
think other students might have. An example of that is,
“What do you think other kids your age might be worrying about?”
This gives them a chance to voice a concern without having
it be too close to home, so to speak.
Be honest with your children.
Both your
integrity and their own is on the line. How much detail
you give and the context in which you put something is where you
have room for judgment. But you can’t recapture the trust
that you lose if your child realizes that you aren’t truthful.
So . . . when children ask difficult questions, it is fine
for your answer to be, “I don’t know.” But where do
you go at that point?
-
You can
suggest that you’ll try to find out more about something.
-
You can
move from those things you can’t solve to statements about
how people have coped with difficult times since the
beginning of time. We didn’t know how we were going to
get through 911 either, but sure enough – people coped and
Manhattan and Washington DC continue to function and be home
to people and have business going on as usual.
-
Admit
that you also have concerns but then go on to talk about
what you do that helps you feel safe. It might be
preparations you’ve made, or it might be about your faith,
or it might have to do with your community and support
systems.
Limit or
eliminate your child’s viewing of television coverage.
There is a psychological saturation
from television coverage that can actually result in symptoms
associated with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
Our brains are in a receptive mode that is very different than
when we listen to coverage on the radio or read a newspaper.
Print and audio-only media allow our minds to question, to
create our own pictures, or create no visual imagining at all.
But with television coverage, we often “can’t get it out of our
minds.” A great example of that was how many people were
haunted by the coverage of people jumping from the towers on
911. There is nothing positive about children being
haunted by those kinds of visuals, and there are many other
options for how children and youth can remain informed.
Differentiate between war and terrorism . . .
. . . and help your child with
realistic reassurances. War can be hours and hours away by
airplane, or days and days away by car and boat . . . help your
child with the geography of this for those issues related to
fears about the war. Younger children may think that the
war is being carried out very close to home.
Have faith in
your child’s ability to cope.
Often we sell kids short on their
abilities to cope with bad news. Their ability to cope is
directly related to your own stability and what they read in
your “energy.” So if you are calm, measured, honest,
concerned, compassionate and open, your children will be much
more apt to trust that they’ll be okay than if you are evasive,
silent or over-reactive.
Empower your
child.
Whether you believe the war is a good
idea or a bad one, writing representatives, attending rallies or
writing letters to servicemen can help children feel empowered.
Ask your child, “What will help you feel better/safer?”
Accept
short-term regression.
For some students of any age, this
may be a time when, for awhile, they want to sleep close to you
or leave a night light on. Younger children may be clingy
or wet the bed when they haven’t for some time. Take it
all in stride, don’t over-react, and give some special
indulgences. Bring out the sleeping bags!
Remember the
value of laughter and fun!
More than ever, be sure you create
times that are just for fun every day. Integrate in new
ways of doing this . . . laughter actually helps our immune
system and depression shuts it down. This is not just for
fun, its for health!
Return to
Crisis
Homepage
|
